God's sovereignty and attention to detail never cease to amaze me. He is God of the universe, Creator of the world yet He knows me like the back of His hand. He knows my thoughts and desires before they are even known to me. Nothing is hidden from Him, not a single thing.

I try desperately to wrap my brain around the fullness and breadth of His knowledge of me but I feel as though I fail miserably - just when I think I might have a slight handle on it, I discover a new facet. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that I will never fully understand it, because He is God and I am not. What I do know is that He loves me well.

And the best part of it all? He knows me to my depths. All the darkness, all the sin, all the rebellion, and He still looks at me with love. He knew it all, and still chose me as His adopted daughter before the beginning of time. Striving desperately to rest in the comfort of this truth.

My life is a constant learning curve but I'm thankful for a God who doesn't allow me to remain stagnant even for a moment.


"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them."
Psalm 139:1-16

[ Special thanks to Stephen Hill for the graphic - more work from him still to come! ]

It's Happening: Kenya Bound, Round 2

It's been tough.

I have never been one to struggle to adjust, I love new things, and I love challenges so imagine my irritation/dismay when I had trouble adjusting back to the states - to my home.

My heart refused to disengage from Kenya. When I eat, I wonder what they are eating and if they have enough food. When I worship all I can think about while I sing is "Let the nations be glad, Let the nations rejoice" and I long to be in Kenya telling people about the joy of knowing Jesus, I long to worship with my African brothers and sisters. When I drive and see extravagant homes and buildings I think of how much food, how many homes, and the multiple educations that could be provided for hundreds of families with 1/10 the cost of that home/building. (not in a judgmental way, just matter of factly.)

I felt stuck.

I had originally planned to spend 6 months serving in France and the French Polynesia. But within one week of being home from Kenya I felt the Lord was closing that door for me, I couldn't really tell you why but it just didn't feel right. So I withdrew from the trip.

I want to be doing full-time ministry so badly but I feel as the though Lord gently keeps telling me to wait.

Cue complete and total frustration - absolutely nothing sounded worst to me then being stateside the entire fall.

But I came to a point where I had to really lay those feelings and desires before the Lord because I knew that in His sovereign goodness He would put me exactly where I needed to be and my disgruntled attitude was not only sinful but not glorifying to God in any way.

That was a humbling blow. It seems my flesh is always intent on making everything about me, when I know good and well that is so false. Gets me every time though, let me tell ya. If I had a penny for every time I needed to be/am humbled I would be doing pretty good in the money department, ha.

Fast forward several weeks - I was cool with being home for the fall, and was actually getting excited to get more involved in my community and several ministries that I had come across in my hometown. This of course did not stop me from constantly looking [drooling] over different organizations online that had ministry opportunities in Kenya. I had resigned myself to the fact the God obviously wanted me home for now, and that none of the trips for the fall would be open still anyways.

I am most certain that the Lord sits up there and has a hearty laugh every time He sees that I think I have things figures out - oh how finite my vision, how limited in contrast to the Father.

So anyways, I was having my daily drool when I stumbled upon an organization called Choose to Invest. (http://www.choosetoinvest.org/) and I started drooling more than usual. I saw they focused explicitly on discipleship and thought to myself....THAT IS MY THANG. Those who know me, know that the Lord has laid discipleship on my heart so much this last year, constantly showing me the importance and joy of community and what it means to grow in and pursue Christ together as the body.
[ Acts 1:14, Hebrews 3:13-14, Romans 12:4-8 ]

I continued reading and discovered they had an internship available for the fall - unfortunately applications were due in May of 2013, and seeing as it was now August I kind of missed the cutoff. I decided to apply anyways because I was so stoked about everything they stood for and what they were trying to do in Kenya. Half way through filling out the application though, I had a moment - I don't want to call it a tantrum...more like a moment of extreme exasperation. There was no way I would get accepted, I was 3 months late, and it felt dangerous to get my heart so hopeful that I might get to go back so soon. I exited off the website and went about my day.

The next evening I somehow ended up back on the website and felt a huge burden to go ahead and apply again. I spent the next hour praying, shedding a few tears, and really trying to gauge if this was something I really should do, was this voice telling me to apply truly coming from Jesus? By the end of the hour I just knew I had to apply - still thinking I wouldn't get it.

Well I got it.

And in about 5 weeks I am going to Kenya for the entire fall through the Journey program of Choose to Invest.

God's faithfulness is really hard to wrap my brain around, it is so good and so perfect.

With that being said I have just a few short weeks to raise $6,000. If I was the type of person to get stressed, that mode would be starting up right about now. But I know the Lord will provide - and I will be doing several fundraising events over the next month. If you are interested in hearing about those opportunities, donating at all, or just want to partner with me in prayer you can email me at: hellinghausen20@aol.com

God is good people, so so good. 

"O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary 

and beheld your power and glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you as long as I live,

and in your name I will life up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

Psalm 63:1-5

As I sit here and try to summarize my month in Kenya, words seem utterly insufficient to properly convey the things I saw, the people I met, and the emotions that I felt. I feel, at this point, as though a piece of me is missing and will not be returned to me until I am walking on Kenyan soil once again.

But mostly I just sit here and praise God. I praise Him for allowing me to go to Kenya, I praise Him for continuing to reiterate the desire I have for missions, and I praise Him for all the work He did and will continue to do in Kenya. I serve a faithful God, who deserves all of the glory. Bwana Asifiwe! (I'm going to be dropping swahili phrases like no body's business...just go ahead and prepare yourselves.)

With that being said, I know that there is no way to efficiently fit a month into one post so I am going to do a series of posts about my time there.

I want to start with sharing a journal entry from June 24th.

"Oh what beautiful day we have here today in Kenya! The forestry, sunshine, and cool breeze were all wonderful but the little smiling faces I got to gaze upon all day were what made it the most beautiful. I got to hang with Momma Joy most of the day which was so fun. She let me hang around her shop, and taught me a few things about shopkeeping that I know will come in handy someday, ha!

In the latter part of the day I sat under the shade of a nearby tree and watched her plait or braid her 2 daughters hair - it was during this time that a little girl I had met my first week there came up to me. This little one is special and beautiful for so many reasons but one of the less important reasons that set her apart are her debilitating mental issues which effect her social and cognitive skills.

In that moment her sole desire was to just sit there and stare at me and hold my hand. This suited me just fine! :) After about 30 minutes of just sitting there holding hands, I began to really study her small, precious hands and feet. They were caked in mud and peeling from the dryness of her skin - her nails were jagged and embedded with all sorts of dirt and grime and her feet had several deep gashes in them, probably from stepping on sharp rocks. I felt that I needed to do something, just to make her feel clean, beautiful, and loved - so in jumbled, hurried swahili I told her to wait there and that I would be right back.

I returned 5 minutes later with the brightest nail polish I could find and wet rag and proceeded to spend 30 minutes attempting to clean her hands and feet. It was no easy task but eventually I was able to see that beautiful ebony skin unmarred by any of natures contributions to her earlier dirtiness.

Oh my the smile that lit up that little face when the first brush of bright, coral paint appeared on her nail. We giggled, and we laughed - and we did a lot of redo's since the concept of letting it dry before touching it wasn't catching on. What a contrast to the little girl that had walked up to me an hour before, so solemn and sad.

As I sit here and write this and reflect on the absolute joy of today, a thought hit me like a ton of bricks and it knocked the wind out of me.

Oh Jesus.

That little girl is me!

You took me when I was covered in filth, dirt, and grime -when I was solemn, lonely, and sad. You took me and you washed me clean. Except you didn't use water and nail polish, you used your blood. You redeemed me, you loved me, and you gave me a deep rooted joy, unmovable by anything this world throws my way.

Tears of praise streamed down my face as I write, because I have truly seen and felt the redemptive power of Christ.

And He constantly reminds me everyday of the beauty He has made out of what was once my formerly dirty and broken life.

And He constantly reminds me that all the praise belongs to Him."

This is my sweet friend! If you look closely you can see the chipping, coral paint left on her nails from our painting extravaganza the week before :) Isn't she beautiful?!


Shout for joy to God all the earth!
Sing the glory of His name; give Him glorious praise!
Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.
All the ends of the earth worship you and sing praises to you;
they sing praise to your name."
Come and see what God has done:
He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man.
He turned the sea into dry land;
they passed through the river on foot.
There did we rejoice in Him who rules by His might forever,
whose eyes keep watch on all the nations -
let not the rebellious exalt themselves.
Bless our God, O people;
let the sound of His praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living, who has not let our feet slip.
For you, Oh God have tested us; you have tired us as silver is tried.
You have brought us into the net; you have laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads.
We went through fire and water, yet you have brought us into a place of abundance.
Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what He has done for me.

Psalm 66:1-12,18

God & His Glory

One of the most precious truths that I have learned in the past 2 years since becoming a christian, is that everything, absolutely everything is ultimately purposed to point to God and His glory. It is with this lens that makes facing tragedies, suffering, hardships, or just the unexplainable become not only bearable but also joyful. Don't misunderstand - not joyful that anyone would experience pain or difficulty, but rather joyful in knowing that we serve a God who has an absolute purpose in everything. And I'm not talking about a flimsy, spur of the moment plan that is a reaction to an event - no, I am speaking of a plan that has been in place since before even a hair on my head existed. That is the kind of sovereignty God possesses.

I think it is important to saturate ourselves with the idea that it is not about us - that nothing is about us. And I know that this is a hard one for most because we by nature are self consumed, prideful, and a have a "the world revolves around me" mentality. So to admit to this idea that God's glory eclipses our needs, happiness, or plans is not easy but once you are able to wrap your brain around it - it is one of the sweetest things. It gives meaning to every senseless act, every depraved situation - to be able to say and understand that whether it is tangible to us or not God will be glorified - that is the greatest comfort.

The most clearly revealing text in all of the Bible to contest to this is Isaiah 48:9-1:


"For my name’s sake I defer my anger, for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it, for how should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another."

To break it down, God focuses 6 different times on these ideals:

For my name’s sake
For the sake of my praise
For my own sake
For my own sake
How should my name be profaned
My glory I will not give to another

Okay so I think we can say he takes this pretty seriously.

Another thing to consider is that our ultimate purpose in all we do is to point and highlight the infinite worth of God and His glory.

"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, every one who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory." Isaiah 43:6-7

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." l Corinthians 10:31

"Whoever serves, let him serve as one who serves by the strength which God supplies – in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." l Peter 4:11

These are just a few examples among many that show the unequivocal importance God places on his own glory. I like to parallel this with the importance of dying to ourselves and our flesh (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23, Matthew 10:38, Romans 6:1-23) because it makes that much more sense when we acknowledge the call on our lives to be consumed with His glory. Not only are we a people with vile, wicked hearts and intentions regardless of our efforts - our need to deny our natural inclinations and predisposition to defame God is so important. But we are also a people called to put God's glory above all else. Above everything our flesh would desire.The idea that God works everything out for OUR good - for those who love Him - is too often misconstrued (Romans 8:28). We often forget to focus on the last part of that verse "...according to His purpose". He works everything our for HIS good, which in the end correlates to our good since our ultimate purpose is for his glory and we are our most joyful when we are glorifying Him since that, as I said earlier, is why we were created.

My reason for bringing this up - something I am very passionate about - is because it not only shows God's character and ultimate purpose but it brings hope and rejoicing in the unexplainable and numerous and often senseless tragedies we keep on facing.  To be sorrowful, yet able to cling to hope is so very sweet.

May God place a desperation in all of our heart's for His glory above all else, and in the same breathe, may that same sovereignty be a comfort.

Reality

Today I have cried a lot.

I cry for joy, and I cry for sorrow.

I cried because Jesus endured one of the most horrifically painful deaths this world has ever seen FOR ME - all while knowing the wretched blackness of my heart. He knew that I had the utter inability to save me from me, the utter inability to defeat the clutches of my flesh on my own, and the predisposition to fight goodness every step of the way, yet He still saved me. He chose me, and he saved me. And that is the sweetest thing I have ever known. These tears = good tears

However, I also cry because of conviction. I feel as though I have done many friends and acquaintances in my life a huge disservice. I looked around at church today, every pew overflowing, and I checked my social media, all abounding with posts about Jesus - and I saw the grips of shallowness. Most people I see, don't truly grasp the full en-compensation of the cross. The idea that "believing" in God is enough, that going to church every once in awhile is enough - that posting a verse on social media every once in while is enough....it's not. 

Jesus changes everything. Absolutely everything.

If you claim Jesus, nothing about your life should point to this world. Don't be fooled by the whispered lies that Satan tells us, Jesus calls for radical obedience and surrender, and nothing less. For my generation the break down is simple. Drunkenness, Premarital Sex, Drugs, Crude language to name a few (Galatians 5:19-21) (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)...these things are so worldly, and there is absolutely no place in your life for them if you love Jesus. This isn't far fetched, this isn't asking too much, this isn't "radical", no no this is biblical. No one is perfect, but Jesus brings about conviction and a desire for things that glorify Him. I don't think it is possible to truly be abiding in Him and not be passionate about following His word and bringing Him glory. That is a paradox, and unattainable one at that.


"This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. " Romans 3:22-26

 Breakdown:

- We have all sinned
- We are all incapable of saving ourselves, and in need of a Savior
- This is achieved solely by faith in Jesus. No prayer, no good work, no religious act will save you. It is completely a matter of the heart and abiding in the fullness of His grace.
- This faith results in a radical submission to God, that His glory becomes more important that anything else. It is not time given once a day, once a week, once a month, or once a year. It is living every single second in full submission to Him.

I was in a place 2 years ago where I had grown up in the church and had heard the gospel over and over and over again, and even called myself a believer even though nothing in my life pointed towards it. I partied, I cursed, I treated people poorly but for some reason thought that because I believed in God and went to church that I would go to heaven, that surely God would let me in at the end of my time. I was wrong, and I think there are a lot of other people who are wrong. Believing is not enough, James 2:19 - "You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that- and shudder." Belief is nothing, abiding in it is everything. Everything about our lives should point to Him.

God even goes as far as to say he despises those who claim him but don't truly follow him - those who consider themselves "lukewarm" christians, who believe in him but aren't super committed to it all. He says that lukewarm, halfhearted following is useless, that it sickens our souls, that your kidding yourself. He is saying that this kind of salt is not even fit "for the manure pile." (Luke 14:34-35) Again in Revelation, there is a letter to the Church in Laodicea, God calls them a luke warm people as well. He says he will "spit them out of His mouth", claiming Him with no true manifestation of it in your life is disgusting to God. He wants all or nothing.

I wrote this post very quickly, and with a burdened heart so I am sorry if it seems scrambled at points but if you take nothing else from this post, take this: Jesus is better. I relished in the world at one time, partaking in every "good" thing she handed me. The grace of Jesus is so much sweeter than anything this world has to offer. Nothing compares, nothing.

Biblical Patience

The concept of waiting on something is easy to understand by the world's standards, but what exactly does that encompass by biblical standards. Can we truly ever be waiting on God? Because when I break the definition of waiting down historically, I see a picture of impatience, where someone is not doing what I think they should fast enough. The sovereignty of God defeats the ability to ever, actually be waiting on Him.

The biblical standard of waiting is the aligning of our hearts with God's will. If we are truly trusting in the faithfulness of Jesus and His timing, it would be sinful think He wasn't moving or answering as fast as we would like. It would be sinful to think we could possibly understand the depth of God's mind or His reasoning behind things.  (Romans 11:33-36)

The Bible talks about waiting on the Lord throughout the old and new testaments, so I am not saying that waiting itself is unholy, rather the condition of our hearts in the midst of waiting is the concern. Contentment in Jesus is the true definition of waiting. Paul nails it on the head in Phil 4:12-13, He knew that contentment wasn't circumstantial. He knew how to get along in the humblest of times and also in prosperity because He had Jesus who strengthens us in all hardships, persecutions, trials, successes, and achievements. Jesus whose comfort is not affected by our circumstance.

Impatience devalues the whole concept of waiting.

I am wanting us to equate waiting not with the impatient tapping of our toes but rather being so in love with Jesus and what he has done that waiting is not waiting at all but rather a saturation of complete adoration for our Savior and absolute trust in His ability to fulfill promises in His timing.

 I want to battle impatience.

We can see an example of what not to do by looking at what happened to Israel when they acted impatiently and turned to Egypt for help instead of waiting on God. (Isaiah 30:1-5)

God's promises us that faithfulness and waiting IN HIM  results in:

Isaiah 49:23,

Those who wait for me will not be put to shame.

And then Isaiah 64:4,

No eye has seen a God besides thee, who works for those who wait for him.

And finally Isaiah 40:31

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

So you make war with the unbelief of impatience by using the promises of God to check your heart that God's timing and God's wisdom and God's sovereignty are going to take any frustrating, seemingly impenetrable, unproductive situation and make something eternally valuable out of it.


We wait because we love and trust Him and know without a shadow of a doubt that His ways are infallible.