I have never been one to struggle to adjust, I love new things, and I love challenges so imagine my irritation/dismay when I had trouble adjusting back to the states - to my home.
My heart refused to disengage from Kenya. When I eat, I wonder what they are eating and if they have enough food. When I worship all I can think about while I sing is "Let the nations be glad, Let the nations rejoice" and I long to be in Kenya telling people about the joy of knowing Jesus, I long to worship with my African brothers and sisters. When I drive and see extravagant homes and buildings I think of how much food, how many homes, and the multiple educations that could be provided for hundreds of families with 1/10 the cost of that home/building. (not in a judgmental way, just matter of factly.)
I felt stuck.
I had originally planned to spend 6 months serving in France and the French Polynesia. But within one week of being home from Kenya I felt the Lord was closing that door for me, I couldn't really tell you why but it just didn't feel right. So I withdrew from the trip.
I want to be doing full-time ministry so badly but I feel as the though Lord gently keeps telling me to wait.
Cue complete and total frustration - absolutely nothing sounded worst to me then being stateside the entire fall.
But I came to a point where I had to really lay those feelings and desires before the Lord because I knew that in His sovereign goodness He would put me exactly where I needed to be and my disgruntled attitude was not only sinful but not glorifying to God in any way.
That was a humbling blow. It seems my flesh is always intent on making everything about me, when I know good and well that is so false. Gets me every time though, let me tell ya. If I had a penny for every time I needed to be/am humbled I would be doing pretty good in the money department, ha.
Fast forward several weeks - I was cool with being home for the fall, and was actually getting excited to get more involved in my community and several ministries that I had come across in my hometown. This of course did not stop me from constantly looking [drooling] over different organizations online that had ministry opportunities in Kenya. I had resigned myself to the fact the God obviously wanted me home for now, and that none of the trips for the fall would be open still anyways.
I am most certain that the Lord sits up there and has a hearty laugh every time He sees that I think I have things figures out - oh how finite my vision, how limited in contrast to the Father.
So anyways, I was having my daily drool when I stumbled upon an organization called Choose to Invest. (http://www.choosetoinvest.org/) and I started drooling more than usual. I saw they focused explicitly on discipleship and thought to myself....THAT IS MY THANG. Those who know me, know that the Lord has laid discipleship on my heart so much this last year, constantly showing me the importance and joy of community and what it means to grow in and pursue Christ together as the body.
[ Acts 1:14, Hebrews 3:13-14, Romans 12:4-8 ]
I continued reading and discovered they had an internship available for the fall - unfortunately applications were due in May of 2013, and seeing as it was now August I kind of missed the cutoff. I decided to apply anyways because I was so stoked about everything they stood for and what they were trying to do in Kenya. Half way through filling out the application though, I had a moment - I don't want to call it a tantrum...more like a moment of extreme exasperation. There was no way I would get accepted, I was 3 months late, and it felt dangerous to get my heart so hopeful that I might get to go back so soon. I exited off the website and went about my day.
The next evening I somehow ended up back on the website and felt a huge burden to go ahead and apply again. I spent the next hour praying, shedding a few tears, and really trying to gauge if this was something I really should do, was this voice telling me to apply truly coming from Jesus? By the end of the hour I just knew I had to apply - still thinking I wouldn't get it.
Well I got it.
And in about 5 weeks I am going to Kenya for the entire fall through the Journey program of Choose to Invest.
God's faithfulness is really hard to wrap my brain around, it is so good and so perfect.
With that being said I have just a few short weeks to raise $6,000. If I was the type of person to get stressed, that mode would be starting up right about now. But I know the Lord will provide - and I will be doing several fundraising events over the next month. If you are interested in hearing about those opportunities, donating at all, or just want to partner with me in prayer you can email me at: hellinghausen20@aol.com
God is good people, so so good.
"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you as long as I live,
and in your name I will life up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you."
Psalm 63:1-5
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